uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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