I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
