Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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