I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
no, he came in my armpit
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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