We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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