Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
