I don't usually arrange sex via text message
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
