She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
