I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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