Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
