Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
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