my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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