Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
