Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize