I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
