I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize