This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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