Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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