and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
