I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I think a kid would responsible me up
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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