So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
