So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
