Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
