im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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