just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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