I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He? As in you personified your dick?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
