Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
