Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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