mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Randomize
