nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
