i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize