Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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