Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
