i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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