Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
