It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
She said her name was "party"
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
