Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
