Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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