I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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