Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
