First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize