Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Randomize
