Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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