Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
