There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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