did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
