i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
As shirtless as possible
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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