dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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