put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
