After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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