My underwear smells like fireworks.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
