Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
How does it feel to date your dad?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
