One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
