i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
