I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
