oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
