its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize