You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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