In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
We have so much sex to catch up on
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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