It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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