Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
