im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize