I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
