I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
im drinking this country out of the recession.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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