What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
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