I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
