Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
