i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
