My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
