I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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