apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
