apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
